Saturday, 10 August 2019

Inquisition Team 13: The Origin

The Inquisition of Karnath: In the years following the war, the power of the Inquisition was readily tapped with the power of Gold. The King has seen fit to change this, and the Inqusition is now short of reliable inquisitors.

Inquisitorial Team Thirteen is:

Cage - Tall, imposing, and denser than the dark alloy the warforged is made of. Has trouble opening doors unassisted. Best classified as a monk. Your narrator!
Lars Ceny - An elven rogue drawn to the Inquisition by the lure of mostly-legal gold.
Severn - A walking enigma of a wizard; arguably the most normal member of the team.

We are Karrnathian Inquisitors. Or so we'd like to say; we were actually just assistants to one. Unfortunately, we picked a bad time to be employed in the Karnathian Inquisition -- while bribery was rampant, we didn't get to taste any of it. However, being too new to possibly be worth bribing, we also escaped the mass purge that followed.

Lars Ceny, Cage and Severn -- a team now known as Group 13 -- were summoned by Superior Glockta. Glockta is a war veteran, who was a prisoner of war and looks it.

DM: "He walks with a limp."
Severn: "A limp what?"

We're tasked with investigating who or what has been killing the King's Men in the town of Bastion. We need to go out, find him, get a testimony and witness, and 
Bring it back to Glockta. Our contact is Brother Longstep.

We're given 20 G for expenses.

We travel out to Bastion at the break of dawn, and arrive around noon. After orientating ourselves, we start looking for Brother Longstep. We start with the inn. It's certified by the dragonmarked houses, so at least it's something. It's staffed by two halflings, Brian and his wife, who are happy to point us to Brother Longstep (In the "big house"), and rent us two inn rooms for 1 S each.

We knock on the door, and are greeted by the quietest, and slowest old man ever. He's glad to let us in and (eventually) introduce us to Longstep. We're introduced to a squat, fat halfling who is spittling fat and goose as he eats with one greasy hand, and dictates something to his assistant gnome.

He introduces himself. He offers a greasy handshake, which Lars gladly, and firmly, takes. Lars licks his hand afterwards, which elicits a reflexive heave from myself, despite not having a stomach. He wants to know who we are, exactly, and why we're here. We announce that we're the inquisition, and he's pleased we came so quick -- it's only been 3 days. We get his account of things -- peasants have been dying, and while one or two could simply be attributed to them forgetting they need to eat, three is too much, and four is absolutely unacceptable, it cuts into taxes too much.

Ella Gnomey, his aide, has more specific information, a list of who died, where they lived and their families, and more information. The victims were all found in the woods, which are known to be somewhat unsafe, given the lack of town guards, and they were otherwise perfectly healthy, if a little worse for wear due to being left outside. I acquire a copy of the list.

Some of the corpses have been taken to the nearby Garrison Ford for recycling in necromancy, but the others were too decayed to be of use and so were just buried.

We start with Karl. Outside his house, there is a pig. Lars thinks it bears a resemblance to an orc; if he is, he easily resists my questioning:

"Are you an orc?"

With inconclusive results, we add him to the list of suspects. If all else fails, we can nominate him as the culprit, only for him to fling himself into a fire on the way back.

We talk to Karl's family; he was a good lad, he ate his vegetables, did the fields. He was young and full of energy. He was likable, and could have had his pick of wives, but was waiting for The One. In short, he had no enemies; he simply walked out one night, and never came back. He begins to tear up, and I comfort him with a rythmic pat on the shoulder. Pat. Pat.

We head back to the inn for the night and grab drinks; another two silver for drinks. The innkeep asks after Longstep; we inform that he's probably not hungry. Brian remarks that nobody's seen Longstep for a while, but he has a juicy rumor for us -- after Longstep's wife died, he seems to have gotten a little woman-crazy, and was seen with a female wizard. Hot like a fireball with legs that went all the way up, here and gone two days later. Longstep didn't talk about it, and hasn't been seen much since. The innkeep loves his wife, but just between him and us, wouldn't mind getting that hot wizard's address. I promises to deliver if at all possible, and this earns me a drink on the house. Which I drink.

The inn begins to empty as people go to bed. We are now in "Prime Sneaking Hours", and Lars sneaks out to go loiter around Longstep's house. Aside from a desire to to break in, nothing of note, so we go to bed; I am sharing a room with Lars, but at Lars' insistence, have to stand in the corner and face the wall.

As I stand in my corner, I hear rattling and movement from Servern's room. I go to investigate, and tell him he should be sleeping. I find him at the window, with an incredibly attractive woman on the other side... the bat wings and horns on the succubus probably help her stay afloat outside our second-floor window. She sees me, and vanishes as I reach out a hand:

"Wait. I need to know your address."

The succubus wanted Servern to go outside. Probably a bad idea. I remind him to remain pure of thought.

The next morning, nobody has been succed. We need to find the Succubus' summoner; we contemplate luring the succubus with bait comprised of Lars and a copper dreadful or other erotic literature concocted by myself, to defeat it directly; but us attempting to fight the actual succubus head-on will go poorly, as we have no non-magical weapons.

Lars has a hunch -- Ella Gnomey might be our suspect. We go pay her another visit. The butler's showing us in, and Servern detects magic as we go; there is a *shitload* of magical items, including a painting, and a table with abjuration on it. Even the Butler is magical.

We get Ella alone, and inquire about Brother Longstride's new squeeze. That's a weird one; Longstride's ex-wife died a couple of months ago, a wizard named Jerad showed up, and after he left, the new girlfriend showed up. Coincidentally, the Butler, despite being old, is not old, but new -- he has only been here for a month or so.

We ask her to show us around the victims' houses. She loudly proclaims that she cannot, but she will show us on the map the best way to get to each of the houses. In the marks she leaves on the map, Lars realizes she's slipped us a message on our map: Check The Basement.

We head back to the inn and outline our theories: Ella is innocent, the magic she's surrounded by is natural to her dragon mark. But the butler... he's surrounded by a thick old illusion spell. He's either responsible, or knows something.

Night falls, and we set out to Longstride's mansion basement.

We descend, and find lights on in the basement. We all peek around the corner. There's a circle there, with a man split open in the middle; his guts are everywhere, but we sure as hell see that heart still pumping. He's not young, rather old; could be the "old" butler.

Whoever he is, we're pretty sure there's nobody home. His life sustains the magic circle; killing him will probably break the circle, and free the succubus to do whatever she pleases.

We're in agreement of ending the battery's life. I reveal my true function; a poisoner with a built-in poisoning kit, I puff poison over him to do the job, and Lars physically breaks the circle.

Almost instantly, we hear breaking glass above, and the sound of a fat halfling being succ'd to death. We sneak upstairs and take a peek. The succubus is hunched over Longstride and is literally sucking him dry. Her horns are definitely longer than when we last saw them, and Longstride is looking a little withered.

She finishes the job, rips his head off and not noticing us, jumps out the window. There is a potential problem in having a succubus on the loose in general, but she'll probably go home rather than hang around and terrorize the town. Either way, out of scope for our team, and so Not Our Problem.

We go find Ella Gnomey; she's curled up on her bed, stricken with terror, but we manage to convince her everything's okay. Turns out she didn't actually know much, just that she wasn't to go into the basement. This is fine -- according to paperwork we fill out, she is a credible witness who saw everything. We recommend that she continues to stay out, as well as out of the Lord's chambers, and hire a good cleaning team.

Severn and Lars also designate most of the magical items in the house for recovery; they need to be scanned for "Demonic taint".

Some days later, we're back at home, and we finish our report. We have Exceeded Expectations on this case, pleasing an unknown number of superiors, and our reward is a promotion; there is one Inquisitor position officially available, and if anyone asks, two of us are mere adepts, but we will be collectively appointed this position.

We are now collectively Inquisitor Thirteen. How unexpected.

Addendum: According to out-of-game knowledge, the succubus was indeed under specific orders; don't harm Longstride, and obey his every order. However, he had no malicious intent; he simply did not specify any orders regarding the citizenry, nor did he connect their deaths with his succubus, so she was free to feed on the men of the village at will. In short, a bunch of people died because a fat, thirsty thot of a halfling wanted a demon girlfriend.

Saturday, 4 May 2019

Legend of the Five Rings, Episode 2

Legend of the Five Rings: Set in a location which is startingly similar to feudal Japan, a bunch of weebs play at samurai.

Legend of the Five Rings is bought to you by:

Ken - Mantis Clan face and master of words. A ladies man trying to save himself for one particular woman; the duality of man embodied.
Togashi Chiho - Dragon clan monk of the Togashi order; filled with Wisdom. Required to check her fists in as lethal weapons.
Mirumoto Same - Dragon clan duellist; according to him, the best in the land, the trouble is not killing everyone in his way. A distant relative of the Jade throne, and also your narrator!
Yogo Asuka - Scorpion Clan Shugenja.

Before we all arrived: Yogo Asuka of the Scorpion Clan was seconded to the Crab Shugenja, Suzune. The Crag Shugenja are uncommonly forthcoming with their mystic skills -- all the better to arm people with knowledge to fight yoma, we suppose.

She was witness to the arrival of the Mantis delegation and the Dragon delegation, and sized us up.

She's awoken in the early morning by Suzune; there's been an incident. The murder.

The Crane are flipping out, slinging accusations, and calling for the Mantis delegation to just commit seppuku (if those gaijin even know how)

Asuka calms them down, informing that it's unbecoming to sling accusations before any testimony is laid. They accept this chastisment gracefully.

Ken leans into Nogomi, reckons it's time to leave and do a headcount of the crew. Nozomi announces the Mantis to be blameless, and that they will retire.

As they're about to go, there are footsteps; Shingen and his yojimbo arrive, heavy of tread as they are large in stature. He's livid, and asks Ken if the Mantis did it, to which Ken (eventually) directly says no.

Shingen calls us all to the conference hall immediately.

We all traipse back into the dining room; no food this time, just business. It's 7am.

In short, it's not good for the Mantis clan so far; it all seems to be against them. Ken admits the blade used looks like a mantis blade, certainly.

Crane Daidoji's assistant, Doji, testifies -- in the early morning, two hours prior, he saw someone in Mantis robes vanish around a corner.

Ken challenges this; was he sure he saw someone in Mantis colors, at that hour of the morning?

I think about the murder scene; I was looking for blood splatter, but on second thought, there wasn't that much, and the whole scene was odd.

The aide explains it with his lantern, but Ken continues to cast doubt on it; he insults the aide, offering him spectacles. Everyone tries to conceal their humor.

I want to tell Ken that I believe he didn't kill Daidoji, but there was no need to prove it by killing a man right here and now.

For context, while Mantis and Dragon both wear green and yellow / gold, Mantis is primarily green with gold trim, and Dragon is primarily yellow with green trim.

The aide continues to be insulted, and demands a duel to satisfy his honor. Asuka tries to calm him down, but to no avail.

Ken lacks a daisho, but accepts anyway, opting to duel with just a wakizashi.

The Cranes ask Crab Shingen permission to use the courtyard for the duel, and he agrees; we all traipse back out.

I comment that Daidoji's not even cold yet, and here we are, spilling even more blood. It's too early for this shit.

Asuka slips away with Shizune to go examine Daidoji's corpse.

Meanwhile, everyone's prepping for the duel.

Kakita moves first with a lightning fast strike; Ken's almost caught by it, and drops his wakizashi, only to pull a flaming katana out of thin air and slashes at Kakita with it.

The Mantis delegation's seen this party trick before, but everyone else sure hasn't.

Unfortunately, the stress of summoning it has left Ken off-balance, and Kakita has his opening. He darts past Ken, and whirls; a thin slice glides up across Ken's chest.

A single drop of Ken's blood pools at the tip of Kakita's blade and falls to the ground; he is the winner.

I begrudgingly applaud his victory. Show-off.

At the murder scene, Shizune breaks taboos and rolls Daidoji's corpse over; there's an amateurish cut on the neck, likely the cause of the bleeding... and the wound on the back hardly bled at all. Odds are good the knife was planted post-mortem.

Also, the blood's super dry -- certainly not just two hours old, probably from after dinner the night before. So there's definitely a setup somewhere.

They go find the guard on duty at the gate last night, and Asuka inquires as to who he might have seen last night.

The guard obviously saw Daidoji and Doji come in. A few aides, but otherwise nobody of note.

There is the servant's door, but... only servants would use it!

Asuka sees fit to question the servants; with some difficulty, between all the kowtowing, but they claim they've not seen anyone, at least. Nor did they hear any signs of a struggle.

After the duel, an apology has been meted out. Ken asks if I'd have won the duel; I declare that I would have. But on a related note, is the Mantis clan missing anyone?

Ken confirms that they are indeed missing one man -- he is not a dishonorable assassin, however. I counter -- he may have been mugged for his clothes and weapon, and framed.

Shingen calls us back to the conference hall, but I'd really rather not. I ask my lord for leave to go investigate the missing Mantis Man.

In the hall, Shizune and Asuka report their findings. This clears anyone who has external witnesses after dinner, which would be Ken, Chiho and I.

Unfortunately, the same is not the same of anyone else in the Mantis clan. Ken is to return to their lodgings with the rest of them, and report to the hall again in half an hour to team up with us.

The Mantis clan returns to their lodgings, and find a very sheepish Daigo wearing a kimono that's clearly not his. He can explain everything. His room was ransacked, his robes and knife were stolen.

Ken asks what exactly he was doing last night. Or rather, who. Daigo whispers his answer.

Yasuke Shingen's daughter.

He regroups, and gives us the short version -- the missing man has been found, and definitely didn't commit the murder, although his things were stolen.

Asuka wants to question Kakita. I hail a nearby servant, and ask him where "the effeminate man with a sword" is. Kakita was walking out of the castle a few minutes ago, so we go track down Kakita -- Kakita Isamu.

We question his whereabouts; he didn't see or do much, simply noted that a missive had been delivered to Daidoji prior, and he retired to his room next to Daidoji's. He's not a deep sleeper, and a warrior to boot; I'd expect that even here in Rokugan, a fight on the other side of the wall would be noted. So there definitely wasn't a fight.

Asuka and Kakita speculate as to the content of the missive; matters of commerce, he didn't really note it.

Anyway, the list of suspects is getting narrower; someone whom Daidoji was familiar with, and so didn't struggle against them. Sounds like Doji to me, but character testimony says he's 100% loyal, so we need a bit more than a wild guess.

I vote to search Doji's room. It's not exactly honorable, but to borrow more wisdom from Togashi-Dono: "If a Bear shits in the woods, and nobody is around to see it, did it happen?"

Doji's room is on the other side of Daidoji's room, and we head there.

I knock gently on the wooden frame of the door. "Excuse me, housekeeping des~"

There's no response, so we head on in.

Asuka searches for secret compartments; she doesn't find any, but she does find a bloodstain by the futon. We look at it further, and find the pillow is thicker than usual -- it contains a bloodstained green-and-gold robe!

We convene and sort out the chain of events. After the show at dinner, Daidoji returned to his room to prepare a letter. But Doji saw that, and felt that the Crane shouldn't compromise; so he left, and stole from poor Mantis Daigo to acquire a mantis robe and knife; he approached Daidoji, and killed him with a cut to the neck. The murder committed, he planted the knife, and stowed the robes in his own room for future use to park the bus.

It's unlikely he was set up -- whoever hid the robe did so in his pillow, but if Doji ever went to sleep, he'd notice it immediately.

We take the evidence to Shingen; everyone else lays out the story, with Shizune backing them up; meanwhile, I fetch Doji, on the pretense that we need him to visually identify the culprit. I bring him to the room, accompanied by Kakita, and show him a mirror with the bloodied green and gold robe. He demands to know the meaning of this.

Shingen informs him that the truth is out -- he should confess. But he continues to deny it, demanding to leave. I ask permission to cut him down if he runs, and am granted it.

We further pressure him to confess, but he resists. Ken-san needles him, and he breaks down -- "I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT IF YOU HADN'T FOUND-"

Kakita can't believe what he's hearing. Shingen tells the Crane to get out by sundown, and stay gone. Doji tries to run, and I let him... but Kakita doesn't, and takes his head.

Kakita falls to his knees, and begs forgiveness and permission to kill himself. Shingen denies his request and tells him to get the fuck out.

At dinner, we celebrate the new trade deal. Our lords get sealed letters during dinner; they all look at us and tuck the folded letters away. Mysterious.

After dinner, our respective lords inform us that we've been summoned; we're lead to a shrine. Only we are to continue; our lords remain at the threshold.

We advance further; in the main building is a lantern, and we see the silhouette of someone reclining.

Our guide, Miho, carefully slides the door open. Inside, garbed in huge, sumptuous and lavish robes, embroidered with Chrysanthemums and bamboo shoots... one of the three royal families, the Seppun! I hit the deck, as does Togashi. Asuka's still figuring it out, and I pull Ken down quickly.

She bids us to rise, addressing me as "Cousin".

"I am Seppun Yumiko. And I have a job for you."

Saturday, 20 April 2019

Legend of the Five Rings, Episode 1

Legend of the Five Rings: Set in a location which is startingly similar to feudal Japan, a bunch of weebs play at samurai.

Legend of the Five Rings is bought to you by:

Ken - Mantis Clan face and master of words. A ladies man trying to save himself for one particular woman; the duality of man embodied.
Togashi Chiho - Dragon clan monk of the Togashi order; filled with Wisdom. Required to check her fists in as lethal weapons.
Mirumoto Same - Dragon clan duellist; according to him, the best in the land, the trouble is not killing everyone in his way. A distant relative of the Jade throne, and also your narrator!
Yogo Asuka - Scorpion Clan Shugenja.

The sun rises once again on Rokugan, and our journey begins.

 Arashi no Seifuku (Kura) "Ken" has been sailing down to the Estate; his captain was similarly invited to the Black Crane Estates. The ship's making it's way up the river when Ken decides to banter with the navigator, Daigo. Captain Nogomi, AKA "The Typhoon" tells them to knock it off, and gets Ken up to the bow for a talk. She talks about Lord Yasuke having given in to some of their more... diplomatic... overtures. She reckons it's a matter of jade, which is weird because Crab gets first dibs on jade, so what could the problem be? Probably pricing -- Crane's jacked up prices, so there's room for undercutting.

Mind on business, Ken wants to know if Yasuke's got any daughters -- he's got one, just about to come of age. People who have his ear are few and far between, mostly related to his bodyguard, who is a large man, as Crab Clanners are wont to be.  The matter of money -- Mantis has room to undercut the Crane by ~30%, but obviously undercutting as little as possible is preferred. Competition is Daidoji Eisaku, a little man of nasty words once a fan goes up.

When the ship docks, they're boarded by an unusual sight -- Crab Shugenja, who scan the ship and it's crew. Once they're satisfied, everyone disembarks. Nogomi rounds up the delegation, and leads them in -- at the gate, they are again checked with jade. There's a one-armed shugenja, an older lady, who seems to be accompanied by a young Scorpion clan shugenja, who is doing her best to not stand out -- a tough ask since she's the only one not wearing face paint.

The one-armed shugenja is Suzune -- she's in charge of security around here. She welcomes the delegation, and guides them in; the castle itself radiates a sense of aesthetic function; it looks good, but it's also clearly used by people, and not just a decorative building. She invites them to get comfortable, before dinner, where business will be conducted.

The Scorpion accompanying her was Yogo, who is apprenticing under her.

Meanwhile the Dragons have taken a boat down from the City of Lies, after travelling there by foot. Yasuke Shingen has invited us (me and Togashi Chiho) down from the Dragon Lands to the Black Crane Estates, in the Crab Lands. He is, as far as we know, held in high regard and is an Important Person. In our care is Agasha Renzo, Dragon Clan Diplomat and second son of the lord Agasha, who is very young, and very chatty.

Lord Togashi himself sent Chiho down, which is unusual -- it's rare for one to leave the monastery, and yet here's a monk, and part of the security delegation, no less.

Kaiyo is wearing functional and tidy, but clearly-patchworked robes. He's carrying three swords -- the standard daisho at the hip in Dragon colors, and one katana across his back; the one across the back clearly sees much less use, and is in a black scabbard with a very light green hilt.

Chiho gets to talking with Renzo, and learns that he's not actually much of a shugenja. Indeed, he is not one at all; he's never heard the "call of the Kami", despite his father's legendary proficiency. So this delegation is an important deal for him, a sign that his family places faith in him.

"Some men are skilled with a sword over words, and some... uh, don't." - Chihiro Wisdom #42

Renzo and Chiho get to gossiping about Same, speculating about him. He's quite probably an insult to Renzo's father of some sort.

Meanwhile I'm trying not to hurl, I get seasick easily.

Several months prior, I and Suzaku-San were summoned before Lord Mirumoto. We're in full kowtow, and I'm sweating for fear of the reason why.

I've recently passed genpuku, and in fantastic fashion. I had unfortuantely wagered on coming third.

Mirumoto asks if I can engage in honorable combat. I say "As much as combat can be honorable." He gives me a look. "I mean, yes, Mirumoto-Sama."

It irritates Mirumoto, but he's been tasked to send a samurai to escort Agasha-san's son. He's loath to send a well-regarded one after the last Topaz Championship. So he's got me in mind.

Sensei assents to sending me. I agree also, and escape the room with relief; I was sure he'd find out about the gambling.

I'm given a pony (the runtiest kind) and sent on my way with no delay.

In the present, the trip passes with little incident; Renzo gets to know me a little better, and suggests there could be a spot in the next Topaz Championship for a job well done. I aim to please. I reveal that I'm more materially-minded, than spiritually; that's a concern for other samurai to worry about.

Renzo advises us to be polite; we're here to make a deal with the Crab, and it could be very profitable. We're greeted by shugenja at the dock; on our way up to the castle, I spot a few places that might be gambling dens.

We're greeted at the gate by security, as usual, and tested again with jade. I try not to look at the missing arm.

As we're shown to the room, the Security Shugenja informs me about the missing arm; lost to something on the other side of the wall, and paid for in full, "you can still see the jade from the wall today".

Like the Mantis, we've got some time before dinner, to which I am permitted to wear my full daisho. I stash the third sword in my room, though, and do my job, keeping an eye on Renzo while we wait.

We're fetched for dinner by servants. The Yasuke family's in full force.

Sitting at the head of the table is a large guy, and the guy next to him is even larger still. The head is introduced as Yasuke Shingen-Sama, Damiyo of the Yasuke family. We bow (deeply) and take our seats.

Following us is the Mantis Clan delegation:

- A real tough-looking lady; scars, muscles, and the whole nine yards.
- Some skeevy-looking crab guy
- The most handsome man I've ever seen.

We begin dinner, and business, just the two of us; the handsome Mantis asks where the Crane are. Yasuke-dono says that the Crane don't really need to be a part of this particular talk.

The business is indeed about Jade -- Crab needs it, and by imperial mandate, they get it. They pay the Dragon clan with no questions, and the price is fair, but there is the matter of transport, and until now, that's been Crane Clan business. But of late, the price has not been right, and so they are open to other overtures... like the Mantis clan's.

Mantis lays out their plan. It looks like a 25% savings on whatever the Mantis is doing.

We're interrupted by a thousand and one apologies; he's Crane clan, and his master has incredibly urgent business. Yasuke gives them permission to enter, and an incredibly angry little man storms in, followed by a samurai bodyguard. The angry little man, Daidoji Azka is, somewhat understandably, upset at being cut out. He says he's got half a mind to challenge to a duel, and that gets the attention of the bodyguards in the world.

Mantis asks Chihiro for some wisdom in this trying time.

"Wisdom is easy. You simply think of something unwise to say, and then don't say it." - Chihiro Wisdom #43

After blustering, Crane declares that he'll be back tomorrow with a counteroffer that'll blow the Mantis out of the water, and storms off.

It's reasonably clear that the Crane and the Mantis are being pitted against each other.

After dinner, we have baths, and strategize a little. Renzo expects the Crane to make the first overture, but it's actually Mantis, and they want to see Chihiro first? Renzo tasks me to watch over her.

It's Ken-san, and he'd like to take us out for tea. We get to a nice upper-mid class joint, and after some tea, he lays out the plan. He wants Chihiro to pick a fight with the Crane, and trigger a duel; I would champion it, and win, ideally rendering the Crane duelist out of action and stopping them from initiating another duel with the Mantis.

In exchange, we'd get better deals on food shipments if the deal goes through.

We thank him for the offer, and say we'll think about it.

We go back to Renzo, and he kiboshes the plan -- it has no real benefit for us despite the risk.

The next morning, we're woken up suddenly, someone Crane has been killed, and we need to see it.

The Crane Clan ambassador has been slain, and the murder weapon looks like a tanto, done in green and gold.

Tuesday, 1 January 2019

Necessary Evil (2017-2018)

I was in charge of running a campaign of Necessary Evil for the group, with the gang eventually becoming:

Marshal Lawless - Old western hero turned undead, turned supervillain. (Featured: Episode 0)
Warhead - A hulking, butt-ugly mountain of a man who glows faintly. Occasionally mutters to himself about lizard people and a hollow earth. (Featured: Full Season)
Wattlad - A young, cocky brit with a confident swagger. And electrical powers. Notorious bleach huffer and dealer, thief of kids tricycles, and unfortunately the butt of a lot of jokes (Featured: Full Season)
Artemis - A mercenary for hire with god-awful luck, a phobia of wet footwear, a deep and abiding love for birds, and a jetpack. (Featured: Full Season; the mercenary formerly known as Roux)
Torment - Missing an arm, but otherwise pretty normal -- almost like an accountant. Also really into the slap and tickle. He eventually regained his arm with the help of The Futurist. (Featured: Full Season)
The Futurist - An atlantean mad scientist with a wife and child, Evany. (Featured: Episode 1-12; retired to explore Atlantis with his daughter.)
Spedro - The world's fastest latino actor; under the impression that he was in heroic company.. (Featured: Episode 12-14)
Triton - An atlantean with a monkey tail. (Guest Star: Episode 3)

For those unfamiliar, Necessary Evil is a Savage Worlds campaign where supervillains (or unpopular heroes) are the last line of resistance against alien invaders named the V'Sori.

Necesssary Evil began airing in early October 2017, and ended in 2018. A full list of episodes for Season One of Necessary Evil:

00: A Necessary Team
01: Jail Break
02: The Underground Irregulars
03: Captain Clone's Legacy (Two-part special)
04: A Necessary Christmas Special
05: A Necessary Radiant Quest
06: The First Family
07: The Hanged Man
08: Crossbreeds
09: Blood Money
10: Raiders of the Lost Temple
11: Turncoat
12: Daddy, I Shrunk the Villains (Alternate name: In The Garden of Dr. Devolution)
13: Omega Strikes Back
14: A Necessary Showdown
14, pt 2: Necessary Heroes

Highlights that I managed to record:

"His nipples look like Spurdo"

"I'm fine. My syphilis isn't acting up today." - Warhead, 2017

"Oh baby, a tumor" - Wattlad

Between episodes one and two, the team was:

- Warhead has been aggressively and actively maintaining a 500m proximity to hospitals
- The Futurist has been looking afer his family
- Wattlad has been selling the "drugs" obtained from the prison camp (bleach)
- Artemis has been aggressively dabbing on top of rooftops
- Torment has been cashing in on the dole for having only one arm, and driving his Reliant Robin

The team also decided on a name at this time: The Best That Could Be Expected Given The Circumstances (Team TBTCBEGTC) -- or Team Buckets.

In the labs of Colonel Clone, they encountered clones of:

The Speedster -- world renowned actor Bukkake Splish'n'Splash, AKA Mr Dart.
The Stretch -- World renowned actor Jeff Goldblum, AKA The Rubber.

They also had to fight approximately twenty seven assorted clones, all defective and special in their own ways, including:

  • Naked martial-arts master Captain Clone
  • 4 90's Leisure Suit Captain Clones
  • Jeff Goldblum in a sentai pose
  • Four captain clones in womens' bikinis. (Luckily, their mutation is a perpetual mosaic over their groins, making this adventure safe for a Christian manga.)
  • Four Captain Clones painted to look like the wall
  • Captain Clone stuck to the ceiling
  • Four Captain Clones in stars-and-stripes spandex, driving Mazingolfer Z.
They also found a clone of Torment from before he lost his arm, or as he knew himself, Dr Egon Payne. And unlike the others, he was not an evil clone. Alas, he was killed as he tried to leave the lab by a homeless man -- it seems fate will not permit two to live.

Warhead's signature move for the episode was the Cancer Dropkick -- proof of his evil villainy, he stole this move from Captain Cancer, who is certainly not him by another name.

Synopsis: Necessary Evil: A Necessary Christmas

It's Christmas in Star City, and there's a certain something missing... supervillains all throughout the world, in this holiday season, feel a sense of loss.

Normally, everyone would be competing at the black market to buy laser death rays to shoot down Santa, or stealing uranium for very small ICBMs disguised as chrismas trees in an exciting, but ultimately futile attempt to ruin Christmas for everyone... but at the end of the day, there's not really any challenge or fun in it if there's no heroes to oppose you, is there?

Sure, there's the V'Sori, but they care more about the fact that you've got a WMD, rather than that you're going to ruin a holiday for millions -- it's just not the same. And with no Alpha Force, or Champion, it seems like those dastardly plots of yesteryear will never make a return...

Or will they? Dr. Destruction thinks it's time to send the world a message, that the V'Sori haven't won. And the best way to do that is to have a traditional Megalomaniacal Holiday Scheme, and show those alien bastards that they're so inferior, they don't rate the top of the priority list, even now.

For this purpose, somewhere in Star City, another Omega cell will carry out a traditional Holiday Scheme. And on this, the night before Christmas, it will be up to Team Bucket to become The Champion and the Alpha Force, and ruin it in the nick of time.

What's that in the air? Smells like... Christmas.

This episode guest-starred Gorilla Nod, half-gorilla, half-scorpion mutant mastermind, and his revolver-toting Chimpanzee henchmen. Team Buckets adopted the following roles:

Warhead as The Champion -- 'nuff said.
Wattlad as Giant -- Like Cyclops, but taller, and has goggles instead of a visor
Triton as Lionsgate -- He could climb things, and was reasonably fast.
Torment as Halcyon -- With the power of violent flashbacks to yesteryear
The Futurist as Night-Man -- All allegations of rape are unfounded and without evidence. Known for his trademark gadget collection, the "Swell Belt".
Artemis as Fidel Casto -- "God Bless Cuba, Even Though God is a Captialist Construct, I love Communism"

Dr Destruction was a little disappointed that nobody wanted to be The Aquarian.

Wattlad: "I think when he put on the mask, he stopped being the Futurist, and became something else."

Futurist: "Where is-" *clears throat* "WHERE IS THE BANANA"

It's noted that at this time, Warhead gave Gorilla Nod cancer. This was not part of the script.

Synopsis: A Necessary Radiant Quest

There's a settlement in danger, and it needs Team Buckets' help. And by Settlement, I mean the First Bank of Star City, and the danger is that they have too much money.

This episode guest-starred The Futurist's daughter, Evany, and an excessive amount of Friendship delivered in .357 caliber.

This episode also guest-starred Al Capone; this would be the last time that Al Capone would be seen as the world remembered him. Some time after this, he would discover Japan and anime culture, becoming Neko Al Capone. (Nya, see?)

The First Family guest-starred Michael Wilson as the President of the Great United States of America.

"You could tie a grenade to a pidgeon!"
"It'll be like Jihad, but for birds"

A biography was planned by Michael Wilson: "From Lounge Suites to Metal Wolf: One Man's Rise to the Presidency"

The team further descended into villainy by counterfeiting IMI's Desert Eagles; Artemis acquired dual Desert Pidgeons.

The Sardine: An E-list supervillain with the powers of smelling rather bad and Wedging.

Willy the Fish proved to be like the father that none of Team Buckets ever had; alas, he sacrificed himself so that they could escape the ambush. This lit a furious fire in the hearts of the team, who could not move on until they had taken revenge.

The Incredible Sulk, a man capable of throwing great tantrums at the drop of a hat

Parallax, the man who was in two, equidistant, never-converging points at once.

The party discussed rogues galleries:

Warhead was Villain of the Week, and has personally had his ass beat by the Champion before.
Wattlad has bumped heads with The Man, Charles Worthington, the Super-Gentleman Spy.
Torment was responsible for killing The Pope. All of them. Even Pontif3x, the Cyberpope.

Jeremiah, The Amish Avenger. "I've never seen a man do so much with a two-by-four."

In Daddy, I Shrunk the Villains:

  • The method of insertion after being shrunk was an incredibly fat, greasy pidgeon named Wide Tony
  • Dr. Devolution's buried lab was guarded by terrifyingly large ants; ants whose sole job was to devour and accumulate trace elements of gold, which they yielded after death, and grew in size when the party unshrank themselves; it yielded an unexpected ten million dollars, a hundredth of which was surprisingly used to start a soup kitchen.

The Necessary Showdown guest starred:

Solid Clone - One of the last "Sons of Captain Clone".
Neko Al Capone
Gorilla Nod & the Comrade Chimps (formerly the Revolver Chimpalots) - Nod went into remission just in time to throw down. The chimps are still looking for Fidel Castro.
Power Armor President Michael Wilson
Wide Tony the Pidgeon - Somehow still larger than everyone else, despite Team Buckets no longer being shrunk.
Warhead's Tank - looted back in Episode 0, and kept in storage for some three years.
Liquid Clone

And finally, the team received help in their fight against the Cyber-Overmind from someone wearing what looks like Dr Destruction's power armor in pink. As the overmind fell, the power-armored individual reveals themselves to be... Pink Pony Princess, AKA Eveny, the Futurist's daughter? She was sent back in time from 12 years in the future, because the world has descended into chaos thanks to a power vaccum; without Dr Destruction, The Champion, any of the Alpha Team, or even the V'sori, what's left of Omega, as well as new "heroes" and "villains" have emerged to take Earth for their own.

The team walked into the V'Sori sunset to find a space ship.